Monday, March 18, 2013

Rumors About Carl Quiltman

Carl Quiltman writes short stories about quilting. Of all the quilt mystery books available on Amazon with very good reviews, Carl Quiltman suffers from quite a few one star reviews, despite which, he does fairly well in the rankings. Odd.

It is rumored that Carl Quiltman was a man noted for his beautiful art quilts before a long arm quilting machine fell on his head while he attempted to repair it for a friend. He was rushed to neural surgery where a steel plate had to be put in his head. Major damage was done to his cerebral cortex.

He could no longer quilt. That area of his brain was mangled into a gray, lifeless jelly. Despite his handicap, he took up writing. He writes what he thinks are quilting mystery books, which are actually bizarre trips into a mind lost to random synaptic electrical storms.

I tried to interview Carl, but he ran at me with a long knitting needle, threatening to plunge it into my eye. I had to call the police. I was afraid he would hurt himself or someone else.

They let him continue to write his quilting stories in a private mental institution that he now resides in.  Carl Quiltman believes the staff are extraterrestrials, creatures with an agenda. A quilting agenda. He believes the aliens want to infuse those intelligent and creative makers of art quilts with a new level of inspiration. He feels that he is their avatar, there cosmic representative, their public relations person.

I am beginning to believe he is just as he believes, and that scares me.

Carl Quiltman on Kindle

1 comment:

Beamsdoorway said...

Poor Carl Quiltman. That steel plate in his head does nothing to shield him from those that read his masterpiece, The Strange Quilter, and continue to write scalding one and two star reviews - despite the warnings given them before they invest 99 pennies in a short story.

Here are the WARNINGS - right from Amazon's page - that attempt to head off those altruistic souls trying to save others from making the same life changing mistake of buying The Strange Quilter:

"Note: Carl Quiltman does not write standard quilt mystery fiction. He writes cross-genre short stories that usually contain a spiritual element, with a touch of absurdist humor. They will always sell for 99 cents."

"File Size: 159 KB
Print Length: 28 pages" - it IS a SHORT story.

"Look for Similar Items by Category

Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Mystery, Thriller & Suspense > Mystery
Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Science Fiction & Fantasy > Science Fiction" - it IS cross-genre

And, the obvious suggestion: Use the "Click to Look Inside" feature or download the free sample.

You have been warned. Save your 99 pennies towards a pack of gum and DO NOT BUY The Strange Quilter if you don't like SF, if you don't like laughing at yourself, or you can't understand that 28 pages means that it is a short story, not a novel.